Oh, My Papa - Part 3

One of the most piercing moments in cinema history came when Luke Skywalker heard these words... "Luke, I am your father."

Fortunately, most of us have never had to deal with a realization of this magnitude - suddenly discovering that your father is one of the most cunning and ruthless individuals in the galaxy! The amazing thing is, Luke decided to love his sinister dad and the outcome was the salvation of the known universe.

Hopefully, your father was a saint - and a knight in shining armor. If not, these words may help you.

As I said before, I loved my dad - and in many ways, he was a knight. But I was cautious around him due to the issues I've previously mentioned.

During the Eighties, I went through the whole 'adult child grieving your losses' thing, which I seem to be making light of here, but in actuality, found some help in that process. The main thing I was dealing with is that I felt stuck in my life and didn't really feel 'grown up' even though I was in my late thirties.

One of the things that caused me to feel stuck was that I felt like I had to be pleased with my dad regardless of any of the hurt I felt.

Many people feel it's wrong to label their father's behavior as wrong or abusive. And they get stuck in their pain. This verse may be the source of why many feel they should respect their father, regardless:

"Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!" (Hebrews 12:9).

The key to understanding this passage is, we should respect our fathers when they practice true discipline. However, I don't think we're held accountable to respect them for things like ridicule or abuse. Discipline and abuse are two completely different behaviors.

What we as men need to realize is that we need to grieve the losses that we experienced with our fathers, but cherish the memories of the good times. Mostly what I have now are good memories - through forgiveness.

Good things I remember with my father are these... camping at Lofton Reservoir and catching lots of Rainbows - seeing movies like "A Fistful of Dollars" with him on a Sunday afternoon - climbing Stukel Mountain in search of the wily Mule Deer - lunches at the mill we worked at together when I had a summer job there - shooting pool together at the bowling alley - ice fishing at Lake of the Woods - ice skating at the pond at the end of Bristol Avenue - exploring dry creek beds near his old home place in South Dakota - Shooting Geese and Pheasants at State Line Road.

Don't lie to yourself about the bad times. Learn how to grieve and mourn them. In other words, get them out of your system. Forgive and be forgiven (please know... this may be a process). And most of all, cherish the good memories... and don't let anything take them away from you.

Please feel free to leave a comment below.

Oh, My Papa - Part 2

Previously, I talked about how I was able to forgive my father when I learned he'd had Alzheimer's for a number of years. This accounted for many of the clashes we'd had over time.

What I haven't discussed is that the problems in our relationship were not a one-way street... all his fault, in other words.

I could be pretty insolent. And I don't think I need to go into detail on any of that. Just chalk it up that I needed to be forgiven by HIM on many occasions as well.

What I want to emphasize in this post is that, learning of my father's Alzheimer's made it easy for me to forgive him fully. I suddenly realized how scared he must have been at times, not understanding what was happening to his mind and emotions as this disease slowly advanced.

But that did not take me off the hook in forgiving him regularly WITHOUT that knowlege. And I DID practice forgiveness toward him. But perhaps, not as often or as fully I should have.

I believe the primary thing that needs to happen in fathers turning their hearts toward their children and children turning their hearts toward their fathers (as stated in Malachi 4:6 and mentioned in my previous post), is LOADS of forgiveness and understanding. Living in a family is not easy. It takes ENORMOUS amounts of grace to get along.

A significant passage regarding this is Ephesians 6:1 - 4. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother', for this is the first commandment with promise - so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (NIV)

It's understandable that scripture would admonish children to obey their parents, but it's the second part that frightens me... the idea that fathers would provoke their children to anger. Another translation says, "Fathers, don't make your children bitter about life..." (God's Word Translation).

In these days of widespread substance abuse, I'm hearing horrific stories of men who, with deliberation, strip their children of any sense of self-worth they might have. Ridicule, anger, accusation, belittlement, lies. Many children are growing up with little self-confidence and support.

If this is the environment you grew up in, or an environment you're fostering, there is healing. It may be a process, but there is hope. Jesus told us in Luke 1:37, "...with God, nothing shall be impossible." (KJV)

Feel free to comment below.

Oh, My Papa - Part 1

Malachi 4:5 and 6 are two very curious and fascinating verses of scripture. They're the last two verses of the Protestant Old Testament.

"See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts os the children to their fathers, or else I will come and strike the land with a curse." (NIV)

I don't want to get too far into the 'eschatological ramifications' (how's THAT for some theological-ese?) of this verse. What I really want to focus on here is the fact that it seems like it's important to God that fathers and sons get along.

You may have had, or continue to have, a very close and wonderful relationship with your father. You may even see him as a hero, a pal, a best friend or a mentor.

Many men, however, don't. And much of the difficulty that men have these day stems from the fact that they've struggled, or continue to struggle DEEPLY in their relationship with their fathers.

Even though I loved my father, I struggled a great deal in my relationship with him.

In reality, he was quite a remarkable fellow. He was born in 1917 and had grown up on a homestead farm in South Dakota. He hung out with the Sioux and attended their Pow-Wows even though he was not Native American. He lived through the depression. He served in the Army during WWII (although he never saw combat). He worked hard all his life in the lumber industry.

When I hit my teens, somehow our relationship became somewhat antagonistic. I just chalked a lot of it up to the usual clashes that come when kids enter 'teen-dom.' There were certain areas where Dad and I jived really well, but then there were areas where we constantly came to loggerheads.

Flash forward - Resolution for my conflict came when Dad went into a nursing home and the doctor he'd been avoiding for many years came back into his life (long unnecessary story). Among several things the doctor told us about Dad was that he'd most likely had Alzheimer's for a number of years.

Upon hearing this, all of the angst I'd ever had toward my father disapeared. My struggles with him suddenly made sense. I had read a little about Alzheimer's and knew that it isn't just about forgetfulness. Among the many symptoms, one is inordinate bouts of anger accompanied by wild mood swings.

I had been the target of many of those mood swings, often when no one else was around to witness them. Hearing this information from the doctor allowed me to instantly forgive my father and make peace in my heart with him.

I will continue to discuss this topic of relationships between fathers and sons in further posts. Please feel free to comment on this post.